Alone...

I can't sleep and those nights are the hardest. I think about you and different times we shared together. I think about how I want you here to teach our sons how to be men. I want you to teach them how to behave, how to treat others, especially women. I remember the first night we started dating, I loved talking to you for hours and then was so touched when you wouldn't let me walk home alone...it was 2am of course in downtown San Jose. When you got me to the door of my sorority house you asked me if you could kiss me. In that moment, I knew I was falling in love with you. The kiss was absolutely amazing and I doubt everyday that I'll ever experience that again.

I miss your friendship. I miss talking with you everyday (even when you were in the hospital) and knowing that I loved you and there was someone out there who loved me. I want you to show Jeremy and Will that it's better to be an honest, truthful man who cares for and respects others. I want you to show them that being selfish is not okay. I want them to love others wholeheartedly. Having to teach them everything myself is going to be so hard.

I don't want to be single, I don't want to be alone, but here we are. I never know if I'll truly understand God's plan and what the purpose of this is. I walk through each day and for the most part, my heart heals just a little bit more each of those days. That's what it's so shocking to hit a wave of grief that comes out of the blue.

I miss sharing my life with you! I know you're watching over us. Help me to make good choices! Help me be the mother and father our children need! Help me to be a woman who stands firm in her beliefs.

Alex the Cat and Blazer the Dog

The last few days have been good for the boys and I. We are communicating more, there is less yelling and much less frustration. In our roller coaster life, I would say we're climbing. I have seen through Bible Study and church that God is always with us. He does have a plan for us, we just don't know what it is. I have to ask him everyday to help me trust in Him. Today at church we had a sermon on "hurt" and tears were a big part of worship and the sermon. The question is always looming in my head, why? God is starting to reveal some things to me and my kids may be the answer. I have always struggled with anger. Maybe that has something to do with my early childhood, maybe it is because my mom died or the countless other close friends and family who have died or maybe it was my older teen years, early adulthood??? I'm not sure I'll ever know. As I read, go to grief support group and pray, I find I may be starting to see God's plan. Maybe this experience will make me a better Mom. Maybe this experience will shape my children so they're better men. I know we won't truly know until we meet Jesus. I don't want to just be a survivor though. I don't want the boys and I just to get through everything without this experience being for God's glory. The pain and and the hurt are present everyday. I know we'll get through it eventually, but I don't want to pretend we're okay to make everyone feel better. It may take a year, it may take 10 years, but I know we'll be okay. All of this positive feeling came full circle tonight as I had a funny memory of our cat, Alex (Bubba too, but of course, he wasn't here tonight) and our dog, Blazer. Both animals sleep with me in my room (such a weird thing still, to say MY room), but they stay very far away from each other. I didn't have dinner, so I was having a bowl of cereal and they both wanted milk. I remember Steve used to make me give Blazer a drink of milk. I have been giving Alex a drink of milk since she was a kitten and Steve would get so mad that I treated the two animals so differently. I mean come on, she is my cat and Blazer is definitely Steve's dog. Well tonight, after they both had had a drink, they lay by each other contentedly. I'm telling you, that has never happened. I think Steve was smiling at me, so happy no one had to make me be nice to Blazer. We miss you my love, but we're slowly adapting to life without you. I can't wait to see you again, but will have to be happy snuggling with your boys and your dog.

Vacations....Memories

Some days are just harder than others in this grieving process. Sometimes memories, photos or words seem to knock the wind out of me. We've had a crazy month of friends and family. In February, I got to walk down memory lane with friends we've had for 20 years. We went on several very fun trips with them to Mexico, Disneyland and other places. We looked at those photos and fondly remembered the 4th of July. I'm looking forward to spending that day with them this year, our first 4th of July without Steve.

On our trip to Mexico in August 1997 we had a fabulous trip. We stayed in a beautiful room, ate amazing food and had lots of fun. We go to rent scooters, jet skis, had drinks at the "Office" and swam in a fountain that we thought was a pool. Steve was so much fun. I thought for sure he was going to propose that trip, but he didn't. He waited until October 16th. It was still a great trip. I remember he and Ernie being crazy on the scooters, but that was nothing new. My "niece", Sophia, asked Ernie about his craziest memory and he couldn't decide between that, skiing or other trips we had. My crazy love!!

Our trip we just returned from was Giants Spring Training. Steve used to love that trip with his Dad, Brother, Brother-in-law and nephews. He would probably object to my going, but the boys obviously can't travel on their own! :-) It used to be a "boys" weekend, which is probably why there's no pictures of any of their trips. We had an amazing time with the family though. The boys love Uncle Kyle, are in awe he knows so many people. The boys had a great time swimming and going to a Giants game. Jeremy was so proud and excited to be there, he even caught a fly ball! He kept asking if Daddy would have been excited to bring them. I am sad Steve never got to take the boys to Arizona, but we know he was there in spirit.

Page 452

It seems as if I ask myself, "What is Gods plan for us?" over 100 times a day. I'm still so surprised that His plan included taking my husband from me after only 16 years together. The little girl who lost her mother at 11, who always felt alone, is now alone again. I know he wants us to rely on him, but it's hard. We talk about community a lot in our church and that God puts people in our lives for a reason. Why did He decide it was time to take Steve out of ours? We'll never know the reason and right now, with our souls so raw, it's hard to even imagine there is a plan.

It seems as if the world is abundant with answered prayer. I know, I know, we've had answered prayer too. It was a blessing Steve got to come home in October. It was a blessing we got to go there. It was a blessing God made a way (both weather and life wise) for us to get down there the day before Steve died, but it's so hard when you hear of medical miracles happening and people getting better. I honestly thought Steve would get better. I honestly thought God have given me that picture to look forward to. A friend told me yesterday that God did give me the picture, but my perspective was skewed. The picture is many years from now when I see Steve again in Heaven. That's hard to hear. Does that mean we'll have a miserable life for the next 40 or 50 years and then we get to Steve after we've served our time?

I know God is trying to comfort me, but I just keep asking why. I haven't opened my Bible in over 2 months. My pain, faith, comfort, confidence, it all comes and goes, but the question is still there. I just go, day by day. My biggest frustration is that the boys are left without a father. I know God is their Heavenly Father, but it's just not the same.

My struggle with my faith has me convicted, so, this morning, I opened the daily devotional I get in my email inbox each morning. I have been deleting them on a regular basis, not having the strength to open the email, in case it was about marriage or love or communication or anything relating to a couple. I get two emails and yep, the first one I opened was about marriage. I promptly deleted it. I tentatively hovered my mouse over the second one. I clicked. mmm, "...she lives happily ever after" was the title. As I read through, it was like I was reading about my life. The author was in the middle of a book that was set in horrible circumstances, but she powered through the 1,000 page novel because she had to imagine things would get better. If she had stopped at page 452 or Chapter 9, the horrible circumstances would be never ending, but good did triumph in the end, but not without bumps along the road.

I guess I'm at page 452 or Chapter 9, I'm stuck in an awful circumstance and as the devotional said, 'one way or another, our story will end well. But not every page or chapter in our story is happy.' I know God has a purpose for my life and He uses every day to build my story. 'No story is conflict-free. No story is complete without a challenge. Victory is empty without a struggle....Today is not the whole story, it's just page 452.'

Please pray for me and my boys. Pray that we continue to move forward as individuals who use this for good. Pray that we grow stronger as a family unit and that we don't get swallowed in grief. Pray that we continue to move forward towards our happily ever after.

Life and Death Feelings over a Voicemail

January 31st started out much like every other day over the past two months. Sadness is a part of each day, but you just manage to move forward with each day.

I'm not sure why, but the enemy decided that yesterday I needed a dramatic shift in my emotions. It started off with an unusual conversation and me questioning a lot of different things. That transformed into overwhelming sadness and grief. I had done a software update on my phone on Sunday and it had completely deleted all of my voicemails prior to January 3rd. That list of voicemails included 3 from Steve. Not to hear his voice, not to hear his words, it all threw me back into complete grief. Three missing voicemails made me feel like I had lost Steve all over again. I went to AT&T and called AT&T and it seemed there was nothing I could do. I was completely devastated.

I felt almost numb the rest of the day. We had our appointment at the Dougy Center (grief center for families) that evening at 5pm and I really didn't want to go. Jeremy was looking forward to it, so I bucked up and took them. The center is great and I know it will be great for the boys, but I was thrown for another loop when they told us we wouldn't start for 6-8 weeks. That was definitely a blow that ended an already horrible day.

I prayed over and over that I would get those voicemails back.

I know I was overreacting and panicking about the voicemails, but I decided to contact the Apple Store at Bridgeport Village. I am so excited that I did. The girl on the phone was able to walk me through doing a restore on my phone back to November 4th. After going through the restore and back-up I was not hopeful. It had taken almost 2 hours, but when I went into the voicemails, they were all there. I listened to the message from Steve from my birthday and was so joyful to hear his voice wishing me a happy birthday, calling me babydoll and wanting to call him back. I so wish I could call him back right now. Let me tell you, I will buy any Apple product from now on at that store. I'm also planning on taking the staff there cookies. I'm so happy someone could help me restore those precious memories. I instantly took those messages and made voice memos out of them on the other phone and I will put them on a disc with our pictures and videos to save.

I wanted to write this all down before I restore my phone again to get it updated. As I looked through my phone I noticed everything was there, including texts from Steve. I looked back through and it's a lot of talk about the boys and life. However, there are some sweet texts I want to remember: October 17th (our anniversary); Steve and I had been talking on the phone and he told me how much he appreciated me and the boys. He texted immediately after we hung up "I do and would do it all over again. I love you." That text got me thinking, even with all of the pain and tears, even if I knew this would be the outcome, I would choose Steve all over again.

As I scrolled through, a lot of the text messages near the end of his life were of fear. I tried to reassure him that he would be okay. I guess, in a way, I was right, he is okay, he's with Jesus now. We're the one's not okay, but we will be.

I will leave you with words I heard almost every day for 16 years. Steve said these words until the day he died, but he texted them to me on October 25th: "Goodnight Babydoll!"

January 29th Memories

The boys had a wonderful time today. One of Steve's dreams was fulfilled today, with the help of his friends Tom Jones, Chad Porfily and Ted Wachsmuth. These amazing men spent the whole day in my garage reorganizing everything so they could build a platform that would be large enough to set Steve's trains up. It truly touched my heart how patient and caring they were with Jeremy. He helped all day and even went to Home Depot with them to get supplies.

They were able to build a platform that has a hole where Jeremy can run the trains from the switchboard. Steve had wanted to do that for so long and it's so wonderful to see something he dreamed about fulfilled. After a lot of reorganization, I can still park my car in the garage too!

Steve loved the trains. He took Jeremy to different hobby shops and model train shows. I'm so glad he got to do that with Jeremy. It does make me sad that Will won't have that with his Daddy, but the three guys that were over here today made that pain a little less. They may not be my sons' Daddies, but their heart for my boys brings tears to my eyes.

All of these memories of Steve have come rushing over me in the last few hours. I was updating my phone and a song came up in my list that makes me smile. Steve and I found out we were pregnant with Jeremy on September 11, 2001, needless to say, very mixed emotions on that day. We lived in a cozy 1 bedroom duplex at the time. We knew we had to move, so we signed a lease while we were in London that November for a 3 bedroom townhouse. In February, we were still relishing the last few months of our time together as a couple before our first born son would arrive in May. As some of you know, Steve loved country music. When we started dating, I did not. However, I was the assistant event manager for the Santa Clara County Fair so we had the opportunity to see some amazing concerts, the first one being Tim McGraw. He was just starting to be popular back then. Let me tell you, he had me at "Don't Take the Girl"!!!

That got me hooked, I like country music from that point forward. I'm not a huge fan anymore, but I have my favorites, mostly the concerts that Steve and I went to: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill of course, John Michael Montgomery (our wedding song was "I Swear"), Tracy Lawrence (he's a Sigma Pi) and then there's Garth.

That's where my memory lane lead me tonight...Steve and I were talking one night about our future and that we were a little nervous about having Jeremy. There was a Garth Brooks concert on TV. We had seen him in concert a couple of times so it was fun to watch. "The Dance" came on and Steve pulled me off the couch and danced and sang to me. I just remember wrapping my arms around his neck and gazing into his beautiful hazel eyes. We were so in love. When the song was over, "If Tomorrow Never Comes" came one. We continued dancing and he sang me every word of that song. When it was over, he leaned down and whispered, "I hope you know I love you more than anything, never second guess that. July 8, 1994 (the night we started dating) was the most amazing day of my life and I will be thankful you said yes everyday for the rest of my life."

http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/music/watch/v252342NR4FnNQk

A little over 8 years later Steve was taken from me and I can say I know he loved me and I know he loved our boys. I look at that train set tonight and I'm crying tears of joy my love. I cannot wait to see you again. I will miss you and love you every day for the rest of my life.

January 14th Memories

The boys and I have been back in Oregon for 11 days. Getting back into life has been good. Keeping busy has been our strategy for everyday life. We've been talking a lot about some of the trips we may be taking in the next 6-12 months. The boys are remembering the trips we took to California with Daddy. They have to be reminded about a lot and I'm so sad they won't remember Steve that well. Even the smallest thing brings me to tears right now, but that is a big one. One of the things the boys are looking forward to is a trip to spring training with Uncle Kyle. Jeremy doesn't remember a lot of details about going to see his first Giants game with Daddy, but he loves the pictures of them on their special trip. I'm so thankful Jeremy was able to do that, but my heart breaks that Will will never have that chance. I'm so thankful to my brother-in-law for trying to do whatever he can for my boys. This is still so hard, but we have a lot of support. People ask me all the time if we plan to stay in Wilsonville. I can't imagine life anywhere else. This is where our home is. This is where we loved Steve for almost 8 years. I can't say enough how much we miss and love him every day.