Alex the Cat and Blazer the Dog

The last few days have been good for the boys and I. We are communicating more, there is less yelling and much less frustration. In our roller coaster life, I would say we're climbing. I have seen through Bible Study and church that God is always with us. He does have a plan for us, we just don't know what it is. I have to ask him everyday to help me trust in Him. Today at church we had a sermon on "hurt" and tears were a big part of worship and the sermon. The question is always looming in my head, why? God is starting to reveal some things to me and my kids may be the answer. I have always struggled with anger. Maybe that has something to do with my early childhood, maybe it is because my mom died or the countless other close friends and family who have died or maybe it was my older teen years, early adulthood??? I'm not sure I'll ever know. As I read, go to grief support group and pray, I find I may be starting to see God's plan. Maybe this experience will make me a better Mom. Maybe this experience will shape my children so they're better men. I know we won't truly know until we meet Jesus. I don't want to just be a survivor though. I don't want the boys and I just to get through everything without this experience being for God's glory. The pain and and the hurt are present everyday. I know we'll get through it eventually, but I don't want to pretend we're okay to make everyone feel better. It may take a year, it may take 10 years, but I know we'll be okay. All of this positive feeling came full circle tonight as I had a funny memory of our cat, Alex (Bubba too, but of course, he wasn't here tonight) and our dog, Blazer. Both animals sleep with me in my room (such a weird thing still, to say MY room), but they stay very far away from each other. I didn't have dinner, so I was having a bowl of cereal and they both wanted milk. I remember Steve used to make me give Blazer a drink of milk. I have been giving Alex a drink of milk since she was a kitten and Steve would get so mad that I treated the two animals so differently. I mean come on, she is my cat and Blazer is definitely Steve's dog. Well tonight, after they both had had a drink, they lay by each other contentedly. I'm telling you, that has never happened. I think Steve was smiling at me, so happy no one had to make me be nice to Blazer. We miss you my love, but we're slowly adapting to life without you. I can't wait to see you again, but will have to be happy snuggling with your boys and your dog.