January 31st started out much like every other day over the past two months. Sadness is a part of each day, but you just manage to move forward with each day.
I'm not sure why, but the enemy decided that yesterday I needed a dramatic shift in my emotions. It started off with an unusual conversation and me questioning a lot of different things. That transformed into overwhelming sadness and grief. I had done a software update on my phone on Sunday and it had completely deleted all of my voicemails prior to January 3rd. That list of voicemails included 3 from Steve. Not to hear his voice, not to hear his words, it all threw me back into complete grief. Three missing voicemails made me feel like I had lost Steve all over again. I went to AT&T and called AT&T and it seemed there was nothing I could do. I was completely devastated.
I felt almost numb the rest of the day. We had our appointment at the Dougy Center (grief center for families) that evening at 5pm and I really didn't want to go. Jeremy was looking forward to it, so I bucked up and took them. The center is great and I know it will be great for the boys, but I was thrown for another loop when they told us we wouldn't start for 6-8 weeks. That was definitely a blow that ended an already horrible day.
I prayed over and over that I would get those voicemails back.
I know I was overreacting and panicking about the voicemails, but I decided to contact the Apple Store at Bridgeport Village. I am so excited that I did. The girl on the phone was able to walk me through doing a restore on my phone back to November 4th. After going through the restore and back-up I was not hopeful. It had taken almost 2 hours, but when I went into the voicemails, they were all there. I listened to the message from Steve from my birthday and was so joyful to hear his voice wishing me a happy birthday, calling me babydoll and wanting to call him back. I so wish I could call him back right now. Let me tell you, I will buy any Apple product from now on at that store. I'm also planning on taking the staff there cookies. I'm so happy someone could help me restore those precious memories. I instantly took those messages and made voice memos out of them on the other phone and I will put them on a disc with our pictures and videos to save.
I wanted to write this all down before I restore my phone again to get it updated. As I looked through my phone I noticed everything was there, including texts from Steve. I looked back through and it's a lot of talk about the boys and life. However, there are some sweet texts I want to remember: October 17th (our anniversary); Steve and I had been talking on the phone and he told me how much he appreciated me and the boys. He texted immediately after we hung up "I do and would do it all over again. I love you." That text got me thinking, even with all of the pain and tears, even if I knew this would be the outcome, I would choose Steve all over again.
As I scrolled through, a lot of the text messages near the end of his life were of fear. I tried to reassure him that he would be okay. I guess, in a way, I was right, he is okay, he's with Jesus now. We're the one's not okay, but we will be.
I will leave you with words I heard almost every day for 16 years. Steve said these words until the day he died, but he texted them to me on October 25th: "Goodnight Babydoll!"
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